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I don't rant...(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)
Posted by: -RD-
...nor rave, much. Just spending another sleepless night, high on migrane killers, low on anti-depressants, and felt like I need to...express myself 
Figured I might as well do it here, where it's no bother to anyone. Funny how you need to say something so that someone or anyone can hear it, yet you don't *really* want anyone to pay it any mind.
I don't know what it is that's gotten to me this day...maybe it's cos it's the V day, and I remember how I felt and what I did exactly a year ago - and comparing my state this year to that memory just makes me feel all the more frustrated and even angry...at myself I guess.
Last year I had just moved to my new home in this large-ish city(for Finland), and around this time was still in the middle of furnishing my new kingdom. I was also starting in a new job making laundry deliveries to local hotels, and starting at the new school, university of technology. All the real problems were still in the future in last February, so mostly I was optimistic about my new chapter of life.
Anyway, the last lamp I'd bought was faulty so I had to go get it changed. The girl at the store was this cute redhead who'd just started there, but somehow managed to make my whole day with her smile, and the coffee & donut coupon she gave me for the store diner. you know, little things, but sometimes more than worth their effort. Then came February 14th, and still in a good mood, I got it into my head to visit a flower store. Figured, someone made me smile, I might as well return the favor, and had them send a small bouquet of flowers to the girl at the store(all I knew was her first name, sadly forgotten by now) and a friend of mine who I hadn't met in a long while, in another city. She'd sent me a text-message the year before though, so it seemed reasonable enough to send her flowers too.
I also phoned a shoe store in the town my father lives in, it was a day after his brithday afterall and I had just the shoes for him in mind - and then called him to go pick up his present.
All this made me even happier, especially after the bookstore manager called me and told how surprised the recipients were...the memory still warms a bit.
Best v-day ever.
And then there's today. Or actually yesterday, it's been Thursday for an hour already...
I don't really even know what went wrong & why. Of course I was struggling to get by with the job & school, my incomes just wouldn't cover the bills and I was too tired to study properly after everything...well it couldn't have been an impossible equation, I just couldn't find my way out of it. Eventually lost the job due repeated migrane attacks, and only finished something like 3 courses the whole spring...managed to get on and break up with two girls as well...
But the summer started promising, first I finally got the kind of medication that kept migrane at bay, had a date with the cutest girl yet, and got a new and better job than before. Days were long but the pay was great! I didn't have time for anything but the job in June, it didn't work out with the girl either, but everything else still felt good. Money was finally rolling in, at least enough to cover the bills, and driving a truck doesn't even feel like much of a work to me. I was really looking forward to autumn, getting really started with the studies and still working part time. Might even have time for a hobby...
Well, something wasn't right. Migranes started coming back and I ended up tripling the daily amount of medicine, even quadrupling by september..by which time the studies again proved too much with the work, the money again proved too little to pay the bills, let alone food or good heavens, a hobby...I don't remember much of autumn actually, but I guess it just was too much for me to take.
I didn't wake up to the fact that all's not well, until I woke up in jail.
My last recollection was that I'd arrived at friends brithday party, was on my way to getting drunk with the others, and off to a fun evening. And after 3 hours of walking around the jail cell, I got told that I'd been driving under influence. For some people that might not be anything special, but for me? Hell, all my life I'd viewed drunk drivers as something less than human beings, I just couldn't understand how anyone could be so...irresponsible? How could anyone not care about other people enough to put everyone at risk byt driving a ton of metal while clearly unable to control it? And then they tell me I'd done just that. Luckily, no-one was injured, I'd driven only 800 meters, breaking a garden shed and my car on the way. The cops were symphatetic, none of my friends judged me or blamed me, even the sheds owner was understanding and that was settled when I went there and built a new wall to his shed...but me? I was devastated. I'd be lying if I said I'm over it by now, but then...
Well, like I said, I don't remember much about last autumn. I finally went to see a doctor about depression, and been seeing a shrink since. I broke up with a girlfriend from summer around november, I just couldn't find any interest in her anymore...I had a few good days, some bad days, but mostly, I just didn't care one way or the other. Guess it's a natural defence mechanism, when situation gets too bad to handle, you stop caring about good or bad...I've been on different medications since then as well, so far none have done much good. At least I get up from bed everyday, and most days even go outside, to get groceries or something at least...but not much else. Haven't been to the Uni in 6 months. Yesterday I had an interview to a "day hospital," basically for a daily therapy...I don't know, it might work. Well I hope it works, it's the only option I can think of anymore. But they didn't have room for me for another month...
Oh well, it's still 2 months until I get my license back as well...it's amazing how quickly a month or two can pass even when you have nothing to do. In fact I'm almost afraid of what's gonna happen when this indifference fades. Since some days, some nights especially...when I think about this situation and everythin...well it's bad. In a way, times like these, even migrane's a relief. Then, when I'm in true pain I feel like I'm properly punished for everything and anything, and all I need to worry about is how to make the pain go away. Kinda silly but that's how it's come to feel like.
Anyway, what was my point again? V-day! I don't remember much about my feelings or thoughts when I was "better", but last 14th of February I do remember. I was so happy, warm & fuzzy inside, even the cold weather couldn't freeze me inside my little red Fiat Uno, driving back from school after a day at work & studies, and the "good deeds".
And today? Fuck all. I did have to go outside, had a psychologist appointment today, but that's it. And I was grumpy there too. Didn't reply to the text messages, nor icq-messages, nor msn-messages. This lack of empathy is the worst thing. Even makes me wonder if I'm ever going to get better again...and even if I did, what then? Why would the situation be any better? Now I don't even have a job anymore, nor a chance of getting one as easily as before, all I can do is drive and no-one's gonna hire someone with my background...
I know things aren't usually as bad as they seem to a derpessed person. But still...
Aw hell, at least I thought it all out loud. Wish I could do it without the migrane...wish I could do it without writing it all down as well. The thoughts in my head are an even bigger mess than my hair. Wish I'd at least met someone today who I'd felt was worthy of a flower.
Maybe next year.
Posted by: Khiori
/me quietly leaves a flower on RD's desk then quietly exits....
So sorry about the depression, migraines and general unease with life. I hope you are able to find some peace. I really do 
Posted by: BattleAxe Nancy
Hang in there RD.
Have you tried chiropractic care for your migranes? You'd be surprised at what can cause them.
Keep fighting the depression. Exercise is a known benefit. Also take plenty of vitamins. I think B12 is key.
Happy Feb 15
Posted by: -RD-
thanks for the flowers 
I even tried acupuncture, and it worked the first time...the other times only made it worse. The medication I've used usually works but it loses its effect the longer I use it.
Migrane & depression are connected...right now every time I need to get something done I get stressed out and shoulders lock up, resulting in a week-long migrane. While, when I look back to times when I've had relatively few worries and no depression or anxiety to speak of, I've had months, almost a year without a headache. Physical work helped too, I've never felt better than when I had to earn my living shoveling dirt & pulling cables. My body's built for farmers muscles, too bad no-one's bothered to build the muscles in the past few years...
I do try to get up, out and jog...but since motivation's kinda nonexistent in this kinda state, I've managed to jog twice. Since September.
Motivation was one thing I kinda expected from the drugs...but I guess I'll just have to keep trying on my own, at least until the daily therapy next month.
Posted by: Khiori
Just out of curiousity. Do you also have TMJ? I wonder if maybe that might trigger the migraines too.
Posted by: -RD-
After a quick google, I think I do have that too. At least my jaw deviates when I open it, and some mornings when I woke up after I've spent the night clenching my teeth, it feels like a promise of migrane. Doesn't always come though.
My jawbone was lenghtened four years ago which helped with my headaches then.
Posted by: Khiori
I was diagnosed with TMJ disorder about three years ago. The pain was so bad (and I didn't know what it was) that I nearly broke my arm in order to transfer the pain elsewhere. Once the muscle starts to seize it's one of those heavily medicate it until it's over deals. It can mainfest in all kinds of ways from dental pain (the kind I get), to migraines, to back pain. Chiropractics supposedly really helps it. (I don't know as I don't have insurance or funds for such things). Try to look into it. You might find some relief. And even a little relief will help our outlook some.
I was telling a friend once about that pain and how horrible it was when he said that there was a group of people who believed that you can experience pain without suffering from it. At first I felt scolded by what he said. Then I had an attack and remembered what he said. And yes, you *can* experience pain without the need to suffer from it. If you can remember, try to explore that the next time you are hurting and see if helps any.
Good luck and I hope things turn around for you soon. At the least I can offer you this:
http://www.khiori.com/images/forump...rn_02-02-07.jpg
Posted by: -RD-
Ok, that made me smile 
Yeah, pain's a funny thing...I've been in two crashes, me on a motorbike versus a car, and a van, I've ran 12,5 kilometers with combat gear and rifle on a fractured leg, yet nothing comes even close to what a migrane does to you...yet, in my worst moments, physical pain is a relief.
Like I said, then I can convince myself that I can stop blaming myself for a while, stop worrying about anything but easing the pain...when the pressure inside gets too bad, migrane's like a blowoff valve. Don't know if it makes any sense but that's how it feels to me. I'm also confident that when I get my life and mind back together, my migrane will leave me alone as well.
Until then, I try to keep an ibuprofein or naramig + any triptan close by. Triptans cost a fortune, but when it gets too bad, it's nice to have something that's sure to put an end to the pain. Even if it has a 2 hour delay, and 24hr maximum duration...
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